


"SOLDIERs - In The Wild", presented by Zack Fair

by AsreonInfusion



Category: Crisis Core: Final Fantasy VII, Final Fantasy VII
Genre: Documentaries, Humor, M/M, Parody, Zack narrates his boyfriends' sex lives
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-07
Updated: 2017-05-07
Packaged: 2018-10-29 01:44:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,054
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10843896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AsreonInfusion/pseuds/AsreonInfusion
Summary: Sephiroth and Cloud were making out on the couch, and Zack was not allowed to join them. So Zack finds other ways to entertain himself, and really, they should have know better than to letthathappen.





	"SOLDIERs - In The Wild", presented by Zack Fair

**Author's Note:**

> I had a productive writing day yesterday. Just writing, though, definitely not anything else lol. I ended up staying in bed the whole day with my laptop, but I did get a good 14 pages/7000 words written and two separate fics completed. This is the first, in all its gloriously cracky splendour.
> 
> Also, thanks to kizundatsudoishi for the title inspiration! x3

Sephiroth and Cloud were making out on the couch, and Zack was not allowed to join them.

“C’mon, seriously? That’s just cruel.”

“Just because _you_ were foolish enough to get yourself banned from sexual activity for 48 hours does not mean that the rest of us are required to abstain,” Sephiroth said, before returning his mouth to the much more important task of kissing and nipping along the column of Cloud’s throat.

“Cloud?” Zack tried, puppy dog eyes firing up full force.

Cloud, unfortunately, was not looking at Zack. He had his head tilted back, unfocused eyes lowered to a lazy half-mast.

“Mmmn,” Cloud said. It was not a particularly helpful statement, as far as Zack was concerned.

He tried inching a little closer to the couch. He even got within arm’s reach, ready to give Cloud some good solid smooching himself, before Sephiroth shoved him firmly back.

“Ow!” Zack complained. A shove from Sephiroth was no laughing matter; he’d landed solidly on his ass. Maybe even bruised something.

He received no sympathy. Instead, he was left to watch as Sephiroth’s hand slid beneath the waistband of Cloud’s trousers. Cloud made the most delicious noises as Sephiroth stroked his hardening cock.

Zack’s pout likewise went unnoticed. But the longer he watched, the more his pout faded. He resigned to his fate, as cruel as it was. He could still enjoy watching, right? Even if it was frustrating that he wouldn’t be allowed to join in.

It wasn’t _all_ bad, he supposed. Like, when he had Cloud in his arms, he never got to appreciate the full view of that delicious, lithe body shivering and arching with pleasure. Or Sephiroth’s elegance and power as he pinned another boyfriend down. Even when all of them were together, Angeal and Genesis as well, Zack was usually… distracted.

He would have, of course, preferred to experience those pleasures up close for himself. But there was something very aesthetically attractive about the whole thing when seen from afar as well.

“You guys would look great in a porno,” Zack informed them.

He didn’t get a response. Sephiroth unbuckled Cloud’s trousers and pulled them down to his thighs.

Zack wasn’t sure of his exact reasoning for doing what he did next. Perhaps it was a form of detaching himself from the situation (because that was the moment Cloud’s flushed erection sprang free, and if Zack didn’t do _something_ to distract himself he’d just end up drooling with the want to get his mouth on that thing). Perhaps he thought it was amusing, in his own way, or it was a petty revenge for not being allowed to join.

He sat back on his heels and put on his best low, even documentary narration voice.

“Here,” Zack said, with a fake Kalm accent, “deep within the bowels of the Sephiroth’s private apartment, we have come across the Sephiroth himself engaging in a mating ritual.”

Cloud made a noise somewhere between a giggle and a gasp – the latter probably because Sephiroth had just taken the head of Cloud’s cock into his mouth.

“What are you--? Oohhhh. Mm, Seph…” Cloud’s interested in Zack’s peculiarity immediately faded.

Ignored, Zack continued. “His mate has been chosen for his bright golden plumage. Watch now as the Sephiroth courts the young chocobo. Chocobos are notoriously fussy – to prove himself a worthy mate, the Sephiroth must now demonstrate his suitability. He begins by performing fellatio."

“The chocobo is receptive to the Sephiroth’s advances. We are now able to hear the signature calls indicating his pleasure.”

Zack was actually starting to have quite a lot of fun. Not as much as if he could take part himself… mmm, Cloud would look good with Sephiroth between his legs and his mouth around Zack’s cock. But it was something.

“The Sephiroth demonstrates masterful technique. Watch the way he swallows around his young mate’s cock. He uses his larger frame and strength to hold his chocobo still while he gets to work; a necessity, due to the chocobo’s tendency to writhe when subject to pleasure.”

“Now, listen closely. The increase in frequency and pitch in the chocobo’s warks indicate the young male is close to orgasm. It seems the Sephiroth intends to make him come. The Sephiroth bobs his head on the younger male’s cock with determination – the young chocobo has taken on a distinctly red colouration, yet another indication that he is receiving great pleasure from the Sephiroth’s mating techniques.”

Cloud’s fingers clawed at the couch cushions, hips jerking minutely as he moaned. “N-nng, Sephiroth! Oh, gods…”

Sephiroth’s eyes narrowed with a smug satisfaction, even while his lips stretched wide around the base of Cloud’s cock. He knew just how to get Cloud off, and Cloud was so deliciously receptive. He kept deepthroating Cloud even when Cloud cried out, cock twitching as he shot his load into Sephiroth’s mouth.

“There! As we see, the Sephiroth has been successful in bringing his young mate to his peak. This leaves the chocobo dazed, allowing the Sephiroth to mount up and engage in coitus for the next stage of mating. The Sephiroth—”

The Sephiroth stood up, shirtless and with what was a very obvious and very potent erection tenting the front of his trousers. He gripped Zack by the back of his shirt and half dragged, half carried him to the door.

“You do realise we can hear you,” Sephiroth said, deadpan, before tossing Zack out of the apartment and locking the door behind him.

Zack caught the sound of a quiet giggle through the door. “It was kind of funny,” he heard Cloud say.

“It was distracting.”

“Are you gonna ‘mount up and engage in coitus’ now?” Zack could just imagine the dazed, suggestive little smile on Cloud’s face.

Sephiroth’s murmured reply was too low for Zack to catch, but he definitely heard the fervent moan Cloud gave in response.

Zack pouted and went to bother his other boyfriends.

Angeal would be the most sympathetic, Zack knew for a fact. Maybe Cloud would’ve been a close second, but he was currently preoccupied. So it was Angeal’s apartment that Zack tried next.

He stopped outside the door. Lights on, and this late in the evening… yeah, Angeal was home. He could hear the TV playing in the living room. Content with this knowledge, Zack unlocked the door and strode in.

Huh. The TV was on, but no one was watching it. Angeal usually turned it off once he was finished; saving electricity and all. For it to be left on must’ve meant something had distracted Angeal. Something like the moans coming from the bedroom, perhaps.

“Oh, come on!” Zack complained to himself. Angeal and Genesis were having sex too? Why did everyone have to get it on when he wasn’t allowed to join them?

He hesitated at the bedroom door. Normally he would have no qualms about walking in on any of his boyfriends, but… Genesis. Genesis might still be mad at him. He was the one who had enforced the ‘no sex for Zack’ rule. Just because Zack had got a little bit of cum in Genesis’s hair! …well, maybe a lot. Maybe he’d run his fingers though Genesis’s hair and spread it even more. And then wiped his hand on Sephiroth’s hair.

Okay, so, maybe it hadn’t been Zack’s best move. He just happened to think his boyfriends being all messy and covered in cum was hot as hell. Usually they would agree, but… not so much when it came to their hair. Gen and Seph were particular about that. Which just made it _hotter_ , Zack had tried to explain, but to no avail.

Well, whatever. He’d come this far.

Zack cracked open the bedroom door, and was greeted by the sight of Angeal splayed out on his back on the bed and Genesis sat atop his lap, vigorously riding the hell out of him.

“Ahh,” Zack said quietly, “and here we see the native Banorans engaged in a mating ritual of their own.”

Of course, just being a little quieter was not much use when your lovers had enhanced hearing. Genesis groaned, and not because of Angeal at that particular moment.

“Angeal, your puppy got in,” Genesis said. His head turned to the door. “You _know_ you’re not allowed to join.”

“Wasn’t gonna!” Zack called back. He cleared his throat and returned to a low, quiet tone. “The brightly coloured Banoran adorns itself in jewellery in order to attract the attention of the larger male. Here we see him wearing the traditional items ‘cock ring’ and ‘nipple clamps’.”

Genesis’s voice sounded remarkably even considering he had Angeal’s cock buried inside his ass. “What in Gaia’s name is he talking about?”

Angeal only grunted as he jerked his hips up, thrusting into Genesis and dragging a quiet moan out of his lover.

“The larger Banoran has been subdued with simple arm bindings, allowing his smaller mate to take pleasure from him at will. Although lacking the flamboyant nature and bright colourations of his mate, the large Banoran is highly prized for his significant musculature and large dick.”

“Ignore him,” Angeal gasped.

“This is a rare opportunity to see that splendid dick in action. Watch closely as his mate uses it for his own pleasure. The dick is large enough that it is difficult for the brightly coloured Banoran to take – preparation has assuredly taken place prior to this copulation. Even so, he is forced to stretch open obscenely wide in order to fit that throbbing rod of man meat in.”

Genesis grit his teeth and moaned and Angeal’s cock hit his sweet spot. “He’s just being fucking ridiculous now.”

“You want to get off and do something about it?” Angeal asked, a touch of amusement on the tip of his tongue. Genesis, it seemed, was reluctant to take that advice. So Zack continued.

“The Banoran specimens continue their mating. Listen carefully for the sounds of the brightly coloured Banoran’s ass squishing and squelching with filthy wet noises as it is pounded into by his mate.”

“Zack _Fair_ ,” Genesis growled murderously. Zack was pretty sure he didn’t see any materia around, though, so he felt safe enough over by his spot near the door. He was having fun. As much fun as he could with his pants on, at any rate.

“Once engaged in coitus, the large Banoran cannot be hindered. He will continue to thrust up into his mate as long his mate remains in position for copulation, even when the easily distracted brightly coloured Banoran fails to continue riding him. The large Banoran subspecies is also known as _Banoran cumaloticus_. If we are lucky, we may just witness the event this species is named after.”

Angeal groaned thickly. “Genesis,” he gasped. “Do you realise you clench a lot when you’re angry?”

Genesis ignored Angeal.“As soon as we are done here,” he threatened, “I am going to spank you so hard, Zack, you have no idea.”

Zack grinned, dropping character for a moment. “I’m up for that.”

“Also, you will be banned from sex for a _month_ if you don’t leave this moment.”

“The brightly coloured Banoran is fiercely territorial. Any interruption to his mating produces a display of dominance. We see here his fine red plumage lifting to give him an appearance of being larger, and the particular calls used to make him sound threatening.”

Genesis did not have any materia on him, but the bed was stocked with plenty of pillows. He threw one viciously at Zack. Zack ducked, and something on the dresser beside him smashed loudly.

Zack shot Genesis and Angeal a toothy grin. “Let’s leave the Banorans to it.”

“You will if you value your life,” Genesis muttered.

Zack slipped back out the door. He padded around Angeal’s apartment, picking up a beer from the fridge and half-heartedly watching the TV. Truthfully, his attention was on the sounds of the moans picking up again in the bedroom. Waiting for the perfect moment…

Angeal gave a stuttered, broken moan, and Genesis cried out soon afterwards. The noises began to fade; less moans and more soft sounds of contentment.

Zack snuck back into the bedroom, rising up to stand beside the bed. “Coitus complete, the Banorans engage in further bonding by sharing their nest…”

“GODDAMNIT, FAIR,” Genesis yelled.


End file.
